Twelfth in an ongoing series
RISHON LEZION, Israel — Here are some anecdotes that I thought people might find interesting.
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The Five People You Meet in Israel
The Hippie — Most likely a young person who just came back to Israel after spending two years traveling in Latin America or India after finishing their post-high-school army service. They have long dreadlocks, an addiction to smoking pot, an acoustic guitar, and a love of Pink Floyd. They tend to work in bars while finishing a college degree in liberal arts one part-time course at a time. They tend to sleep most of the day because they work and then party at night. Common habitat: Living on a kibbutz. Strengths: Making friends. Weakness: Altered states of mind.
The Yuppie — Most likely a secular, cosmopolitan resident of Tel Aviv who dreams of achieving the American Dream — but in Israel. They work in the high-tech sector and are finishing their MBA degrees. They hate religious people and scowl at anyone with a kippah (yarmulke). They would gladly give away all of Jerusalem and half of Israel if it meant that they could earn a million shekels in peace. Common habitat: High-end cafes and restaurants on Shenkin Street in Tel Aviv that serve pork and other non-kosher food. Strengths: Growing the Israeli economy. Weaknesses: A lack of spirituality.
The Zealot — Most likely a newly-religious Israeli or an Orthodox, Jewish immigrant from America who goes to the West Bank, pitches a tent or builds a small house for his family, buys several guns, and shoots at any Palestinian who comes within range. The Israelis believe that the Torah, as they interpret it, is superior to Israeli and international law and refuse to leave their part of the sacred land. The Americans subconsciously want to live a in a fantasy world resembling that of the Wild West. Common habitat: The West Bank (and formerly the Gaza Strip). Strengths: Defense skills. Weaknesses: Insanity.
The Arse — “Arsim” is a slang, derogatory term for Mizrahi Jews (their families originally came from Middle Eastern countries) in Israel. They are viewed as the Israeli equivalent of so-called white trash. They wear a lot of gold jewelry, have little education, and work blue-collar jobs. Their dress and culture resembles that of Arabs than of Ashkenazi Jews (originally from European countries). They are loud and argumentative, even for Israelis. The singing styles of their popular singers resembles that of Arabic music except that it is in Hebrew. Ashkenazi Jews think that the music sounds like a screeching cat that is in the middle of being killed. Common habitant: Dance bars full of bad music. Strengths: Delicious food. Weaknesses: Listening to them in karaoke bars should probably be another circle in Dante’s Hell.
The “Others” — All of the non-Jewish Israelis, who roughly comprise twenty-five percent of the population. Israeli Arabs (Muslims, Christians, and Druze) are always seen as potential terrorists. Russians are viewed as people who faked immigration papers saying they are Jewish in order to move here, or they are seen as mobsters or prostitutes kidnapped from Europe and forced to work for organized crime here. Christians are viewed as the religion that should have the least say in Jerusalem the Middle East because Jews and Muslims far outnumber them, and Israeli Jews usually associate Christians with the Holocaust. Common habitat: All over Israel. Strengths: Proving that Israel can be a vibrant democracy by embracing citizens who are not Jews. Weaknesses: Threatening Israel’s existence as a country that is officially Jewish (and democratic).
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Sexual Personaes
In a prior letter, I described how blunt and frank Israelis are in regards to sex. Here are just a few of the conversations I have overheard:
Me: Has the band arrived at the bar yet?
Bartender 1 (a guy): No, but you’ll know when they are here because the floor will be wet beneath Shlomit.
Shlomit (the other bartener): Yeah, the bassist is cute!
Girl 1: I haven’t had sex since August!
Guy 1 (her friend): Has your hymen grown back yet?
Girl 1 laughs and pretends to slap Guy 1.
Guy 1: That dress makes you look like a whore!
Girl 1: Yeah, you can slide a credit card down my vagina.
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Blame it on the Rain
Even the weather in Israel is polarized and extreme. In the United States, it will moderately rain for several hours before the skies clear. But during the rainy season here (roughly December through March), it can sound like the world is ending — and then it will clear rapidly as though nothing had happened. It will rain violently — including loud thunder, large hail, gusty winds, and bright lightning — for ten minutes, and then it will disappear after ten minutes and give way to clear skies. Then, ten minutes later, the storm will start again. And then it will go away. This cycle can repeat for a whole day — or even longer — at a time.
But during the storm times, it can sound frightening. Sometimes I have thought about building an ark.
From April through October or November, it will not rain. At all. Not one drop. Then, on some magical night in the fall, it will start sprinkling. Everyone will run out of their homes, or their bars, or their shops, and stand outside in the street to feel the raindrops. (I call it First Rain, but I do not know if Israelis use the term.) On First Rain last fall, I saw several children rush out of their apartments onto the street to dance in the rain. They started singing in Hebrew, “Rain, rain, every day!” (“Geshem, geshem, kol yom!”). It was one of the cutest things I have ever seen.
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Traditional, English translations of the Bible say in Genesis that Adam “knew” Eve. I had always thought that this was only a polite euphemism for ‘had sex with,” but now I understand the reason. In English, the verb “know” has two major uses: 1.) To “know” a fact, like two plus two equals four; and 2.) To be familiar with something, like “I know math.” In Hebrew, each of these uses has a different verb: “yodea” is to know a fact, and “makir” is to be familiar with something. However, “yodea” can also means “to have sexual relations with” in traditional Hebrew. So, in the original Hebrew, Adam did “yodea” his wife Eve. That is where the “knew” in the Bible comes from.
I was hanging out with some friends one time, and one offered me some of the food on his plate. I declined because I did not like what he was eating. In Hebrew, I told him: “I would not like it, I know myself.” Everyone broke out in laughter. I had mistakenly used the verb “yodea” rather than “makir,” so this is what I had literally said: “I would not like it; I know myself sexually.” (I realized later that this use refers to masturbation in Hebrew.) I should have used “makir” so that I would have said: “I am familiar with myself.”
But I laughed with everyone else. When one is learning a new language in a new country, one needs to have a sense of humor. It can be tough.
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Young Americans
Israelis always ask Americans why they would ever want to live here because many Israelis have never been to the United States (a visa can be hard to get). They think that America is what they see on TV through television shows like “Friends” and “The O.C.” — namely, that life is easy and everyone lives rich, comfortable lives — because the media is their only exposure to the country. To many secular Israelis, the United States seems to be the real Promised Land of milk and honey. (By the way, Israeli television is now showing reruns of “Alf” as well, and I loved that show when I was a child! I get more of the jokes now.)
As a result, Israelis cannot comprehend why anyone would want to leave America for Israel, whether temporarily or permanently. It has been up to me — and other young Americans I have met — to give them a sense of balance. We tell Israelis that few people there are rich, that the propsperity in recent decades had been falsely financed through debt (and that it is now falling apart), and that untold tens of thousands of people have no health insurance because America, unlike Israel, does not have universal health-care. We describe how warm Israelis are compared to the fact that most people in America barely know who their neighbors, let alone hang out with them frequently. We tell people here that the United States can have a dog-eat-dog, everyone-looks-out-for-himself mentality in contrast to the tribal society in Israel. We say that Israelis always have a sense of spirituality about them, even if a particular person is not exactly religious — and we contrast this to the images on MTV (which is available here), whose popular rap and R&B videos degrade women, celebrate greed, and showcase explicit sexuality.
Although Israelis love the idea of America — especially since the United States can seem like Israel’s only friend in the world — they frequently joke about Americans. Israel is a tiny country populated with Jews and non-Jews from nearly every country in the world, so ethnic jokes are common and acceptable. (It is also because impatient, blunt Israelis have no use for political correctness.) Israelis have jokes about everyone: the French (snobs who insist on speaking French even if they know Hebrew), the Russians (all the women are prostitutes, and all the men are mobsters), the British (pretentious, boring people or wild drunks) and, of course, the Arabs (evil, murderous barbarians). Everyone tells me the American jokes. From what Israelis see from Americans here and on television, they believe that all Americans are materialistic, naive, slutty, shallow, stupid, and fat. The “naive” part is most common — many shop owners and taxi drivers try to overcharge me because they think all Americans are “friarim” (suckers). Moreover, Israelis think that any Americans who come here must be religious zealots. (After all, why else would they leave the real Promised Land?) Still, many Israelis do want to go to the United States because they want to become rich.
More than one observer has remarked, interestingly enough, that the Jewish country is full of racists. But Israelis would just tell them to lighten up and have a sense of humor.
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Not-So-Fast Food
In the United States, fast food is seen as a cheap, fast way to get a meal. In Israel, it is neither fast nor cheap. Israel probably has the world’s worst customer service in general — why should people care when they are paid by the hour and do not get more money for working quickly? — and a typical Value Meal at McDonald’s costs the equivalent of $12. So, to Israelis, fast food is a treat to be enjoyed once in a while or on a special occasion. But it is just as unhealthy here.
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The American Accent
Israelis are stereotyped — sometimes accurately — as aggressive and direct. I think the Hebrew language has something to do with it. In English, people emphasize different syllables of different words for different reasons. In Hebrew, the last syllable of a word is always emphasized intensely. It sounds as if I were to say in English: “I WANT to GO to the MALL.” The result is that Westerns feel as though Israelis are punching them repeatedly with the very words they use. Whenever Israelis make fun of the American accent, they do one of two things: 1.) They speak Hebrew in a monotone voice because Americans accentuate Hebrew as if they were speaking English; or 2.) They speak Hebrew like a so-called dumb-blond Valley Girl.
I thought the second option was ridiculous until I overheard some American girls who were likely tourists. I was withdrawing money from an ATM when some early-twentysomething women were getting money at the station next to me. They were discussing their plans for the evening, and I am not exaggerating their conversation:
“Like, do you want to go to Tel Aviv? There is this bar that is, like, so cool! The bartender is super hot!“
“No way!“
“Yeah! I wear, like, this slutty top, and he always gives me free chasers [shots]!“
“Yeah, let’s go!
“Cool… oh, my God! I, like, only have fifty shekels left!“
“Well, I can, like, spot you.“
“Thanks, honey! Let’s party!“
The two of them yell, laugh, and go to flag a taxi.
I rarely hear American tourists because I avoid tourist-trap locations, so this type of chatter sounded a little foreign after a year of living in Israel. And then I understood why — in addition to MTV and “The O.C.” — Israelis sometimes have such a low opinion of Americans.
Prior letter: Finding Israel’s Center
