Ross Douthat comments on a recent study that many women will denounce angrily while secretly agreeing with it:
...all the achievements of the feminist era may have delivered women to greater unhappiness. In the 1960s, when Betty Friedan diagnosed her fellow wives and daughters as the victims of “the problem with no name,” American women reported themselves happier, on average, than did men. Today, that gender gap has reversed. Male happiness has inched up, and female happiness has dropped. In postfeminist America, men are happier than women.
The longer that I lived in the Western world, the more I noticed that an increasing number of twenty-something and thirty-something women -- at least on the urban, East Coast -- who were angry and bitter. I had a long day at work, so I'll refer to several posts that I have written on this topic.
Women go against their natural impulses by intentionally delaying marriage and motherhood into their thirties and forties. They know -- but will not admit -- that feminism sold them a false bill of goods. After they finally won their entry into the workforce, they realized that no one really likes to sit at a cubicle all day in a high-pressure environment that makes women more aggressive, manly, and less attractive to the opposite sex. They understand that the mass entry of women into the job market lowered real salaries -- an increase in the supply of labor with the same level of demand -- and turned children into latch-key kids. More women are buying small dogs and carrying for fake babies since they waited too long to have children and men can still date twenty-something girls when they are in their thirties or forties. Women are also catching on to the fact that many men are increasingly suspicious of marriage in a world of no-fault divorce proceedings that routinely strips children from fathers and gives their money to their ex-wives.
As I wrote in a lengthy essay, modern society has essentially devolved as a result of the unintended consequences of feminism in the dating scene. As women became more successful, they became more picky. (In general, women want to date "up.") They decided to focus on their careers and educations while remaining sure that they could eventually marry quickly after a given age. Well, the unpleasant reality is that men become more attractive with age while women do not. As game theory dictates, the women who win at the marriage auction are those who find a good guy and marry early. Those who wait will see only the leftovers and exclaim: "There are no good men left!"
Why are modern, single, feminist women so unhappy? Let's break it down by decade:
Twenties -- Women have an intense, biological desire to settle down, get married, and have children while they are in their prime. But society tells them to get master's degrees and have fulfilling careers while getting drunk every night, having casual sex with immature barbarians, and destroying their souls. So they are conflicted on physical, mental, and spiritual levels.
Thirties -- Women have advanced degrees, educations, and resumes, but they are rapidly losing their looks. At the same time, men in their thirties -- whose market value in the dating world has only increased as a result of wealth and looks -- can routinely have casual sex with the women who are now in their twenties. The thirty-something women find it harder to meet someone who fulfills their unreasonable expectations.
Forties -- Get a small dog or a fake baby, a tub of ice cream, and rent "Thelma & Louise."
Now, I expect that some readers will think that I am being misogynistic. Far from it. I am reaching logical conclusions from what I observed in the United States in the context of evolutionary psychology and economics. When society messes with nature, bad things result.
In the study cited by Douthat, men are reportedly happier then they were decades ago. It is easy to understand why. In today's post-feminist world, men have beer, video games, sports, sex with no strings attached, and free, Internet pornography. Men are simple creatures -- what more could they possibly think that they need?
I write this post with extreme sadness at the state of Western society. I want men and women to marry, have children, and be truly happy. (I personally consider it a holy, spiritual action.) But feminism, albeit unintentionally, harmed the relations between the genders that had worked for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. I am not sure it will ever be repaired.
My earlier essay: The Battle of the Sexes
Related posts:
You make one grave mistake in your analysis, you assume that women /want/ to marry and have children. Not all do. Also, learn how to spell misogynistic before using it.
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I am not a fan of feminism by any means. But I have absolutely no desire to be married right now.
I don’t much have a desire to be doing what I am doing either. But somehow I wouldn’t mind being an old spinster when I die. Possibly in possession of three cats, oooh and living in a windmill.
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Sam, my dear, dear darling. I am glad that you have a happy feminist historian to refute your observations. Having been your friend for years you know that I have gone through up and downs with the opposite sex can be as bitter, angry and pleasantly or unpleasantly sardonic as many of the “east coast women” that you describe. But I do not let my disappointment or anger rule my life. It is because of the feminist movement that I have the tools to build a happy and independent life, and you should think twice (or perhaps 200 times) before you evaluate its impact on females as a negative one that is somehow in need of remeditation.
What I think is massively important to understand about the feminist movement is that its primary goal was to make sure that women had opportunies to expand their identities beyond the traditional boundaries of biological necessity. That is: given the revolutions of the twentieth century, female humans are not just defined by their capacity to reproduce or their function as status symbols in social contexts or bartered commodities in economic ones. Certainly such a massive change, enabled by growing technologies as much as shifts in mentalities was bound to cause infrastructural upheaval within the “advanced” societies that experienced it, upheaval which some might term or observe as personal “unhappiness”.
As a historian, however, i tend to take the long view and as a femnist I personally resent your narrow-minded and short-sighted stereotypes as to how the trajectory of a liberated, marriage-resisting woman is supposed to play out by decade.
As a nearly 30 year old woman who enjoys reproductive rights, sexual freedom, and educational opportunites, I have been able to shape my identity in a way that is pleasing to me and not necessarily to others. Thus, I do not anticipate spending my thirties bitching about how I am an incomplete human being because of my marital status or my desire for children. I also cannot think of anything that I will be farther from doing in my 40’s than rotting on my couch– by then my hard work will have led me on a path to fufillment and success.
I guess what I want you to know from someone who knows you is that the traditional picture of married life with children that you present is not one that makes everyone happy-many people, of course, but not everyone. I do not like it when people assume what they know what my “natural impulses” are, Sam. And I think that, no matter what you may insist, your thought has become not only dangerously misogynistic on a theoretical level but potentially personally hurtful to thoughtful modern women everywhere.
Surely, I don’t expect to change your mind, but it was simply important to me for you to know that not everyone agrees with your assessment on gender relations.
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Karen and Sophia,
You are statistical outliers. Even though you two may not necessarily want to get married, the vast, vast majority of women do. That was my point — I was talking about women in general terms.
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I am so sick of people telling me I am wrong or abnormal or selfish because I AM NOT DYING TO HAVE A BABY and I am 30. I have no interest in staying home and raising kids and am grateful that I have a husband who wants to stay home. I am also offended that you seem to think women start to lose their looks when they hit 30, but that when men hit 30 they just become more marketable. I know plenty of good looking 30 something women, and plenty of 30 something balding, pudgy men with man boobs. This doesn’t even take into account men who like cougars, women who are cougars, or women who like to date older men.
What feminism has given women is the OPTION to delay marriage and/or babies and to be more than just a wife and/or mother. I have the option to be in the work force and respected for my mind and ability as a professional and not just my abilities to be a Stepford wife with a uterus. Could the reason women are unhappy be more closely related to the rise in what we expect to have and not what we miss? Might we be unhappy that are still being judged for not having babies, or not getting married, or unhappy because we haven’t achieved all of our goals yet? The quote you start the article with doesn’t give enough information. There are so many factors that go into happiness that the broad statement that men are happier can’t be generalized too much of anything.
I find it odd that you are judging others for their choices (however they end up), but expect people to accept your choices and beliefs. The choices you have made in the last few years to convert to Judaism and move to Israel away from family and friends were not typical choices to be made, and when others did not instantly support or understand your decisions you called them closed minded. Yet now I feel you are closed minded about some women’s intentional choice to not marry or have kids right away (as I have chosen with the latter). You have also previously criticized women for not wanting to date men who weren’t perfect, but seem to now think it is normal and acceptable for men to only want 20 something perfect specimens. I find it hypocritical that you would dare to judge others and yet reject their judgment of yourself.
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Kate,
What I think is massively important to understand about the feminist movement is that its primary goal was to make sure that women had opportunies to expand their identities beyond the traditional boundaries of biological necessity.
You are correct. Women have had the opportunity to work, obtain educations, and “expand their identities.” But I am discussing the realistic point that their are opportunity costs involved when intentionally delaying marriage and childbirth. The older a women becomes, the harder it becomes. There is an upside and a downside to the increased options that women have. All major, social changes in societies have unintended consequences along with the benefits.
As a historian, however, i tend to take the long view and as a femnist I personally resent your narrow-minded and short-sighted stereotypes as to how the trajectory of a liberated, marriage-resisting woman is supposed to play out by decade.
I can only cite what I have read in countless articles and seen personally: Women who are alone and unhappy. Women who idolize the trashy, shallow lifestyle of “Sex and the City.” Women who are carrying and caring for small dogs and fake babies because they missed their windows. I could go on, but I have many links to these articles and studies throughout my blog.
As a nearly 30 year old woman who enjoys reproductive rights, sexual freedom, and educational opportunites, I have been able to shape my identity in a way that is pleasing to me and not necessarily to others. Thus, I do not anticipate spending my thirties bitching about how I am an incomplete human being because of my marital status or my desire for children. I also cannot think of anything that I will be farther from doing in my 40’s than rotting on my couch– by then my hard work will have led me on a path to fufillment and success.
I guess what I want you to know from someone who knows you is that the traditional picture of married life with children that you present is not one that makes everyone happy-many people, of course, but not everyone. I do not like it when people assume what they know what my “natural impulses” are, Sam. And I think that, no matter what you may insist, your thought has become not only dangerously misogynistic on a theoretical level but potentially personally hurtful to thoughtful modern women everywhere.
I am not discussing you individually or any women personally. I am discussing women generally and the fact that what I describe holds true for the vast majority, if not 95 percent, of them.
Surely, I don’t expect to change your mind, but it was simply important to me for you to know that not everyone agrees with your assessment on gender relations.
Of course, you know that I always love a good debate!
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Jen,
I am so sick of people telling me I am wrong or abnormal or selfish because I AM NOT DYING TO HAVE A BABY and I am 30.
My point was to criticize women who intentionally delay serious relationships and marriage and merely “hook-up” and have lots of meaningless sex. Obviously, you chose to get married at relatively young age (for the Western world now), and I applaud that. Children is another matter.
I am also offended that you seem to think women start to lose their looks when they hit 30, but that when men hit 30 they just become more marketable.
I know plenty of good looking 30 something women, and plenty of 30 something balding, pudgy men with man boobs. This doesn’t even take into account men who like cougars, women who are cougars, or women who like to date older men.
The cougars and their prey are actually fewer in number than the media would have people believe.
I have seen countless girls, some as young as eighteen, flock to thirty-something guys. Men that age have established careers, a greater sense of worldliness and self-confidence, and more material resources. Much fewer twenty-something guys will date thirty-something women. Again, it is unfortunate — but I am just stating the reality in the dating market.
What feminism has given women is the OPTION to delay marriage and/or babies and to be more than just a wife and/or mother.
Of course it has. I am just not convinced that the newly-existent Option B is good, in general, for women individually and society as a whole. To write things like “just a wife and/or mother” is demeaning to mothers.
Being a mother is the most important job that a woman can have. In terms of what is good society, the world needs as many good mothers as possible — not more female CEOs and middle managers. It is hard to be both well since time is a zero-sum entity. There are only so many hours in a day.
I find it odd that you are judging others for their choices (however they end up), but expect people to accept your choices and beliefs. The choices you have made in the last few years to convert to Judaism and move to Israel away from family and friends were not typical choices to be made, and when others did not instantly support or understand your decisions you called them closed minded.
I do not recall anyone not supporting or understanding my decisions. Of course, people wondered why I had decided to move here, but I do not remember anyone raising serious issues. Especially, I do not recall saying that anyone “close-minded.” I recognized the concerns.
Yet now I feel you are closed minded about some women’s intentional choice to not marry or have kids right away (as I have chosen with the latter).
My point is more that the alternative to marrying is self-destructive: namely, the worlds that I have seen in which men and women do nothing but get drunk and hook-up with random people all the time. The longer that people intentionally live this lifestyle without getting serious, the more damage they are doing to themselves emotionally, spiritually, and perhaps even physically through STDs.
You have also previously criticized women for not wanting to date men who weren’t perfect, but seem to now think it is normal and acceptable for men to only want 20 something perfect specimens. I find it hypocritical that you would dare to judge others and yet reject their judgment of yourself.
I never said it was acceptable or normal for thirty-something guys to date much-younger women. I am merely stating my observations of the dating world. I think older men who always want to be playboys and chase after young girls are equally misguided.
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By the way, I would recommend reading my essay here:
http://samueljscott.com/2007/10/05/the-battle-of-the-sexes/
This is a full, detailed explanation of my reasoning.
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I enjoy reading your blog and without jumping into the fray, I see that this post has much merit. Nonetheless, I find it offensive and reductionist to say that a single woman has lost so much value by the time she hits 40 that all she can hope to do is, “Get a small dog or a fake baby, a tub of ice cream, and rent “Thelma & Louise.”
I live in Las Vegas and I more than understand the emphasis on good looks. However, I would hope that marriage would be based on something a little more meaningful than that. If the pre-feminist world you think we should return to reduces females’ value to nothing more than wilting physical beauty, then please take me off the sign-up sheet. Really, it’s horrific to think that, according to you, women have no value on this Earth after their physical beauty fades. I would imagine that one reason feminisim was created to give women something more than their looks to live for.
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Cindi,
However, I would hope that marriage would be based on something a little more meaningful than that.
Marriage should indeed be based on something more than looks. But, in the modern, Western world, dating comes before marriage. And, noting human nature, two people must be attracted to each other before dating can progress or even begin. The practical reality is that as a woman’s looks fade, fewer men will find her attractive. Most men, we must admit, have at least a degree of superficiality.
If the pre-feminist world you think we should return to reduces females’ value to nothing more than wilting physical beauty, then please take me off the sign-up sheet.
The pre-feminist world, at least hundreds of years, ago did think that. Today, however, the pendulum has swung to the other extreme. The politically-correct opinion is that there are no inherent differences between the genders. This is absurd, particularly in regards to the dating world. There needs to be a middle ground.
Really, it’s horrific to think that, according to you, women have no value on this Earth after their physical beauty fades.
I have said nothing of the sort. I am making observations of the modern, Western dating world. As I have explained elsewhere, one of the unintended consequences of feminism was to turn more men into immature pigs who view women only as pieces of meat. This is horrible.
In this post, I am addressing only these matters only in the specific context of dating, not in the world in general. In the dating world, there are certain realities that women ignore at their own peril.
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Thank you for the blog. Of course, what you say is true; only the truth would inspire such vitriol. And as you correctly note, much of this neo-feminist invective stems not from outrage at a supposedly chauvinistic world view but from women’s own subconscious belief in the truth of your argument. As for their refusal to acknowledge as much, that’s human nature. On the whole, people feel an incredible urge to rationalize–even justify–their past behavior even when that behavior has caused great personal dissatisfaction. Take, for example, the parents of those who have been killed in the Iraq war. Nearly everyone now admits that Iraq had neither WMDs nor any ties to Al Qaeda. In fact, a supermajority now regards the war as a mistake. Thus, it would seem logical that the parents who made the greatest sacrifices would be first in line to repudiate the war and to hold the government accountable. But significantly, although some parents are of that mindset, many more are not. In reality, many parents have seen their pro-war positions harden since their sons were killed. Why? Well, it’s a reflection of precisely this principle: people who have charted an unhappy course are often unable to acknowledge as much for the fusillade of negative conclusions that invariably follow. When you cast your lot in a certain cause, there’s an extraordinary cost to admitting that it was a mistake. Doing so requires some very difficult conclusions about you, your judgment, and most importantly, what you have lost as a result of your choice to follow one course rather than another.
Painful stuff.
And so, with a significant amount of neo-feminist resentment at the underwhelming spoils of their movement, many women are relegated to denial, to historical revisionism, and to the notion that the path they have chosen has proved the right one. And in this respect, they are to be pitied, not attacked. Were men in the same positon, they’d do no better.
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You are delusional and need to actually sit and have a conversation with a woman who doesn’t want children. I hate to break the news to you but its WAY DEEPER then some ‘Feminist Movement’ or ‘Some Career’ or ‘Some Advanced Degree’. Some of us simply DO NOT have the biological urge to be locked down with a full uterus. There is SO MUCH more to life the having a husband and kids to answer to. Different things bring happiness to different people so maybe you should step back and reevaluate how you portray women without a ball, a chain and a diaper bag. To me there is NOTHING appealing about getting married or having kids, in fact it seems pretty awful to me at times. And for the record I do not have some advanced degree and I am not so uber focused on my career that I am pushing it aside. To some of us life is about travel, hobbies, interests and LIVING, no scumming to some ‘standard’ society put in place many moons ago when people died at age 25. If you would care to take a poll and tell us how many people are actually happily married with kids your own findings will show you the valid point you are so desperately missing. Happy marriage with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids is a fairy tale, its Disney Land it does not exist but society and big business try to make you think it does cuz all marriage is is BIG BUSINESS. And you also need to hang with some women in their 30s, truly good looking women SHINE in their 30s you cannot touch a hot women in her 30s. Men lose the ability to have sex as they age, I hardly call that ‘something to look forward to’.
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Women like me in my 20s want to get married but the men seem to want to just sleep around. I’ m not that type of girl. So if I’m single in my 30’s I honestly doubt that is my fault.
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Love,
Women like me in my 20s want to get married but the men seem to want to just sleep around. I’ m not that type of girl. So if I’m single in my 30’s I honestly doubt that is my fault.
I sympathize with your plight. It is indeed not your fault; it is the fault of the majority of women your age who have a lot of casual sex, thereby raising male expectations of easy sex and removing any incentive to get married, or at least serious.
If women decided en masse tomorrow that they would have sex only when in committed relationships (at the least), the dating world would change rapidly — and for the better.
Sadly, I doubt that will happen.
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melissa,
You are delusional and need to actually sit and have a conversation with a woman who doesn’t want children.
I do not mean this in an offensive way; I am just stating a fact. You are a statistical outlier. The vast majority of women, if not 98 percent of women, want to get married and have children. This is the audience to whom I am writing.
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